11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
40s are totally the cure
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
