Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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