We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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