I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
