I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
no, he came in my armpit
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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