Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
