I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
