I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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