three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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