Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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