Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
