Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
how does that bad decision feel?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
