Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
