I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
