I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
