my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
