that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
