you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
