Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
