We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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