Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
