I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
