I feel like I'm in dance class right now
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
