Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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