Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
