It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
