all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
