i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
