i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
