Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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