Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
