Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
