I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
