I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
