DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
