I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
