If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
