you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize