If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
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