I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
