oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
