I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize