I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
