I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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