Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
