Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
