Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
