Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize