im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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