my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
