So gin and wine won't be happening again
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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