I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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