i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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