now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
