You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
