i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
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