Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
