I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
