so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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