Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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