I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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