this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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