At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
