also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
