Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Randomize
